By Berenice Reyes
“You’re cute for a chubby girl” is a statement I’ve heard many times throughout my life but could never understand the meaning behind it. Was it meant as a compliment, or an insult? I’ve never heard anyone say, “You’re cute for a skinny girl”.
Due to my weight, growing up I was shy and always tried my hardest to fit in. Making friends, carrying a conversation and maintaining eye contact were things I struggled with. I remember always thinking “Do they really want to be my friend?” or "are they talking to me to make fun of me later on?" I lacked confidence and had low self esteem.
Middle school years were some of the hardest years of childhood. Back then we had Slam Books. Slam Books were notebooks which had names of classmates and the object was to rate them from 1-10 and add a comment stating what you thought about them.
I remember getting so anxious to get my hands on one to see how my peers rated me, hoping I’d get a high number but would see “5 or 6's” and comments like “she’s nice” or “she’s cute for a chubby girl". I tried so hard to fit in those years that it was mentally exhausting. I felt like I had to pretend to be someone I wasn't just to feel included. I was terrified to be myself.
High school years were the total opposite of middle school. I decided it was time to do something about my weight, just in time for my 15th birthday celebration. Although I never got too thin, I considered my weight/body image normal. I didn't classify myself as thin of chubby. I met my boyfriend now husband our sophomore year in high school, when I was at my smallest. He was my first real boyfriend. Once I got to our senior year, I noticed I had started gaining some weight but it didn't bother me since my husband never made me feel bad about it.
I got pregnant at 19 and had our son at 20. Months after giving birth, I noticed I had gained more weight, but this time it wasn't just a few pounds. I was so disappointed in myself for letting me get to that level but regardless of my body drastically changing my husband kept loving me, in fact he never stopped complimenting me. He has been calling me beautiful since the very beginning, in fact he married me at my highest weight.
A year later, we had our daughter. After she was born, I decided I needed to make some changes. I started eating healthy and did at- home Zumba workouts. I slowly started losing the weight. A few months later, I joined a gym. I started doing working on cardio six days a week for two hours a day. Before I knew it I had lost 55 pounds. Sadly, that to me wasn't enough, I wanted more. As crazy as it sounds, I became addicted to the gym and not in a good way, If I missed a day at the gym, I'd become very upset and eat as little as possible since I was terrified it would sabotage my hard work and cause me to gain weight again. I counted calories and avoided carbohydrates like the plague. I felt like two hours at the gym wasn't sufficient, but my schedule prevented me from increasing my time at the gym. Unfortunately, my "hard work" didn't pay off because I plateaued, I could lose any more weight doing what I was doing. I felt like a failure. I thought a smaller number on the scale equaled more happiness. My so called healthy lifestyle was nothing close to healthy. This continued for a couple of years.
2012 was the year I started focusing on weightlifting, but I continued with my excessive dieting which prevented me form gaining muscle. A few months later, I decided it was time to stop being so hard on myself. I introduced carbohydrates back into my diet and stopped counting calories. I began my gym sessions. I decreased my workouts to five days a week for an hour a day. By the time I turned 30, I finally had a positive self esteem. I finally felt happy and comfortable with myself, but since I had been more lenient with myself, I gained some weight... again but this time I'm more apprehensive about it. I have a different mindset now. I not longer seek the approval of others nor desire to "fit in". I no longer desire to be thin. I am absolutely content with how I look. I still try to eat healthy and work out because I desire to by healthy and strong.
I have learned to appreciate my body and all it does for me, even if it has stretch marks, a round tummy, loose skin and cellulite. Having all those attributes doesn't mean I any any less beautiful than a size 2 model. I am beautiful in my own way, The scale no longer defines my worth. I've learned to accept my body along with my perfect imperfections.
I don't want my daughter to make the same mistakes I made, and I also don't want my son to think a woman is supposed to be a size 2 to be beautiful. I am glad to say after all these years, I finally believe my husband when he calls me "BEAUTIFUL"
Due to my weight, growing up I was shy and always tried my hardest to fit in. Making friends, carrying a conversation and maintaining eye contact were things I struggled with. I remember always thinking “Do they really want to be my friend?” or "are they talking to me to make fun of me later on?" I lacked confidence and had low self esteem.
Middle school years were some of the hardest years of childhood. Back then we had Slam Books. Slam Books were notebooks which had names of classmates and the object was to rate them from 1-10 and add a comment stating what you thought about them.
I remember getting so anxious to get my hands on one to see how my peers rated me, hoping I’d get a high number but would see “5 or 6's” and comments like “she’s nice” or “she’s cute for a chubby girl". I tried so hard to fit in those years that it was mentally exhausting. I felt like I had to pretend to be someone I wasn't just to feel included. I was terrified to be myself.
High school years were the total opposite of middle school. I decided it was time to do something about my weight, just in time for my 15th birthday celebration. Although I never got too thin, I considered my weight/body image normal. I didn't classify myself as thin of chubby. I met my boyfriend now husband our sophomore year in high school, when I was at my smallest. He was my first real boyfriend. Once I got to our senior year, I noticed I had started gaining some weight but it didn't bother me since my husband never made me feel bad about it.
I got pregnant at 19 and had our son at 20. Months after giving birth, I noticed I had gained more weight, but this time it wasn't just a few pounds. I was so disappointed in myself for letting me get to that level but regardless of my body drastically changing my husband kept loving me, in fact he never stopped complimenting me. He has been calling me beautiful since the very beginning, in fact he married me at my highest weight.
A year later, we had our daughter. After she was born, I decided I needed to make some changes. I started eating healthy and did at- home Zumba workouts. I slowly started losing the weight. A few months later, I joined a gym. I started doing working on cardio six days a week for two hours a day. Before I knew it I had lost 55 pounds. Sadly, that to me wasn't enough, I wanted more. As crazy as it sounds, I became addicted to the gym and not in a good way, If I missed a day at the gym, I'd become very upset and eat as little as possible since I was terrified it would sabotage my hard work and cause me to gain weight again. I counted calories and avoided carbohydrates like the plague. I felt like two hours at the gym wasn't sufficient, but my schedule prevented me from increasing my time at the gym. Unfortunately, my "hard work" didn't pay off because I plateaued, I could lose any more weight doing what I was doing. I felt like a failure. I thought a smaller number on the scale equaled more happiness. My so called healthy lifestyle was nothing close to healthy. This continued for a couple of years.
2012 was the year I started focusing on weightlifting, but I continued with my excessive dieting which prevented me form gaining muscle. A few months later, I decided it was time to stop being so hard on myself. I introduced carbohydrates back into my diet and stopped counting calories. I began my gym sessions. I decreased my workouts to five days a week for an hour a day. By the time I turned 30, I finally had a positive self esteem. I finally felt happy and comfortable with myself, but since I had been more lenient with myself, I gained some weight... again but this time I'm more apprehensive about it. I have a different mindset now. I not longer seek the approval of others nor desire to "fit in". I no longer desire to be thin. I am absolutely content with how I look. I still try to eat healthy and work out because I desire to by healthy and strong.
I have learned to appreciate my body and all it does for me, even if it has stretch marks, a round tummy, loose skin and cellulite. Having all those attributes doesn't mean I any any less beautiful than a size 2 model. I am beautiful in my own way, The scale no longer defines my worth. I've learned to accept my body along with my perfect imperfections.
I don't want my daughter to make the same mistakes I made, and I also don't want my son to think a woman is supposed to be a size 2 to be beautiful. I am glad to say after all these years, I finally believe my husband when he calls me "BEAUTIFUL"
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